Tub Turds


My wife and I have officially “started our new lives.”  I put quotations around “started our new lives” because we do this every Monday.  Or, I guess every Sunday.  Or the actual idea probably starts every Friday then it grows like a seed until eventually on Sunday we wake up, write out a full plan for getting in shape, eating right and just flat out cleaning ourselves up.

Then by either 8pm Sunday evening or first thing Monday morning the entire damn plan vanishes into thin air.  Never to be seen again.  Until Friday afternoon that is…after a couple of beers…and a pizza…and some ice cream.

But this Monday, welp, this Monday was different.  WE WENT TO THE GYM.  And it was embarrassing as holy hell.  I’ll leave that for another post, but lets just say that before we left, while the dude behind the counter was making our deliciously horrible smoothies, I freaked out like the guy on Ghost that is wandering through the streets being haunted by demons.

That is, I looked at the guy behind the counter and said…”Uh, man…I’m gonna f*cking throw up…”  Then Shawnda (my wife) walks up behind me and as I was freaking out thinking I was about to pass out, throw up, and shit myself in front of everyone, I almost knocked her and my son to the ground stumbling to the locker room. 

And from the entire scenario that played out in my head, I honestly was most afraid of passing out and shitting myself.  You just can’t explain that.  And there is no point in your life where that is generally accepted by people…”Oh well, he just wasn’t feeling too well.”  Nope.  No one will say that if you pass out and shit yourself.  I promise you.

Even when you are 85 years old, if some dude passes out and shits himself, you are going to tap your cane against your buddies shin and elbow him in the side, wink, and go “That ol’ boy passed out and shit himself…haha”

Anyways…what does this have to do with Tub Turds?  I’m gettin’ there…

There is no better “cool down” to your workout than cleaning your son’s shit out of the bathtub.  There I said it…I know it’s gross.  And NO I don’t really believe that cleaning a dump from the tub is a good cool down.  But it happened and we have to deal with it…

Do you have kids?  Has one of them ever shit in the tub? 

I wonder if I did this when I was a kid.  I mean, this dump looked like it came from a goat or something.  Or actually it looked like a giant bigfoot thing crapped in the tub.  We generally feed our son very good food…but this was on another level.  Ok, I’m gagging now.

Anyways, long story short, I threw everything in the tub into the trash.  And I would’ve thrown the whole damn tub in the trash and burnt the house down, but we’re renting the house and it’s not my tub.  Either way, some people bleach the toys…not in my house.  You shit on your toys, I’m either burning those f*ckers or they’re scheduling a monday morning rendevous with the trash man.


Videos of Dave singing and generally “actin’ a fool” here:  http://www.youtube.com/jakobfreely

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6 Comments on “Tub Turds”

  1. Michelle Says:

    I have 4 kids…all of them have shit in the tub. And my reaction was pretty much the same as yours!

  2. tara Says:

    HA HA HA!!! thanks dave i needed that laugh 🙂

  3. Michelle Says:

    I recommend you stop at the 1 😉

  4. Suzy Says:


    We don’t have kids but we do make the “new life plan” just about every week. This month we’ve done well, the shadow of Hawaii is on us and I can’t bear the thought of being fat in a bikini, so, when no one is home I walk around in it and look and the mirror….. that helps. I know I’ve just burned myself but I’m just being honest. Good Luck with the gym…. and the turds. 🙂

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