Theoretical Observations Regarding Beard Growth

I don’t really know what to do.  I f@cking want to grow a beard so bad that I can’t see straight.  I’m talking about one of those beards that hangs down almost to my chest.  Then I’ll go to the local bar, order whiskey all night, do the boot-scootin’ boogie and maybe kick some ass.  Sound nutty? Welp, I’ve done worse.  I used to dress up as a mulleted/flannel/boot wearing character named “Big Mike” and go to the local biker bar and talk shit about the local cops and how “f@cked up” everything was.

It was so flippin’ fun.  That’s an entirely different post though.

So back to the beard question.  My wife HATES beards.  Well, actually she likes the scrubbly phase where you kind of look like a slacker that still kind of has his shit together.  My “Scrubble Phase” is pretty good.  But then I hit the “In Betweener Phase” and the entire ass end falls out of my beard growing project.

I have NEVER made it through an “In-Betweener Phase.”  EVER.  I’ll list the reasons in chronological order:

1.  My wife will not let me kiss her in this phase

2.  This leads to days upon days of zero intimacy

3.  We start to fight more

4.  We continue to fight until the beard is gone

Through examining my own beard growing pains, I developed a couple of theories regarding men who grow beards and why it works for them.

Theory #1 :  The Matson Effect

Named for the father of one of my best friends, this theory stems from the fact that some guys can grow the most glorious beards and everyone around them LOVES IT.  This probably is rooted in the obvious fact that these men can just grow a more aesthetically pleasing beard.  However, I think it also has something to do with the charming nature of the individual and their casual attitude toward life.

For example:  My friends father can drop a one liner on you with a gleam in his eye that will change your life.  It’s my theory that there is something in that skill that lets loved ones that surround these people ALSO fall in love with their beards.

I think ultimately, it is rooted in the “charming nature” of the individual.  My friend cannot grow a beard anywhere near his father and it still looks good on him for some reason.

Theory #2 :  The Who Really Gives A Shit Effect

Obvious, I know.  I deduce here that some guys have just been in a relationship so long that they could really care less.  And maybe their wives/girlfriends feel the same way, thereby making the 2-3 week “In Betweener Phase” less disastrous on love life, etc.

Case in point:  My wife and I had relations the other night.  DEFINITELY would have never happened in my ‘Tweener phase in the past.  No way in hell.  Plus, we haven’t fought as much.  She still hates my beard.  But probably doesn’t give a shit anymore.

This theory is closely tied to what makes the Matson Effect appealing.  Attitude.  I also kind of wrote about attitude in my 5 Fatherly Lessons Learned from Being the Shocker on Halloween Post and how if you just “Own It” you can almost get away with anything.

Got any beard pics of yourself?

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